My New Theory

Johnny Cash and Cal Ripken Jr. are the only two major figures of my lifetime who inspired near-universal respect.

I was having an argument with my step-father about whether or not the media has an agenda to portray conservatives as being inherently stupid. (It all began with his explanation as to why the Colbert Report isn't funny, but that's not the point.) And he argued that the media has intentionally presented conservatives as being stupid or ridiculous- he argued that Dan Quayle was unfairly humiliated for the potato thing, that Gerald Ford was unfairly presented as being overly clumsy, etc. I argued that the media often chooses to turn all people into caricatures, because it's much easier to do this, and that nearly every public figure can be easily reduced to one or two characteristics. To prove my point, here are the official jokes/references for several different public figures, starting with the presidents:

George W. Bush- Stupid, ill-spoken, "strategery", "Brownie", cocaine
Bill Clinton- didn't inhale, McDonald's, cigars and blue dresses, southern bumpkin
George Bush- broccoli, vomiting, "read my lips", "prudent", bar code scanners
Ronald Reagan- jelly beans, Bedtime For Bonzo, Ollie North, "he did say 'well' a lot"
Jimmy Carter- Billy Beer, sweaters, attacked by rabbit, "lust in my heart"
Gerald Ford- bumbling, W.I.N., pardoned Nixon,
Richard Nixon- Checkers, "not a crook', sweaty, paranoid, expletive deleted
Lyndon Johnson- holding the dog by its ears, (actually, LBJ is relatively difficult for this)
John F. Kennedy- Marilyn Monroe, father bought the election, mafia, ich bin ein jelly donut

You see what I mean? It works in other fields too. Like sports:
Michael Jordan- drafted Kwame Brown, gambling, Space Jam, refused to take stand on anything
Babe Ruth- fat, drunk, liked whores, man-child
O.J. Simpson- kills people, golfs instead of looking for real killer
Wayne Gretzky- engineered selfish trade to LA, wife likes gambling
Charles Barkley- fat, spat on little girl, never won ring, threw man through window at bar
Barry Bonds- asshole, used steroids, also never won ring, really big asshole
Mickey Mantle- raging alcoholic, always injured
Mike Tyson- funny voice, bit off ear, rapist, defeated by both Buster Douglas and Little Mac
Jeff Gordon- pretty boy, rich kid, one time a fundamentalist Christian girl told me that despite the fact that he cheated on his supermodel wife with another supermodel he was gay (although I don't really believe he is.)
Roger Clemens- steroids, threw piece of bat at Piazza, self-centered mercenary,
Tiger Woods- Calabanasian (or whatever the hell word Tiger made up to describe his ethnic background), um...always wins?, Fuzzy Zoeller said racist shit about him, not political enough,
Chipper Jones- Sermon on mount, born in manger, threw money-changers out of temple, died for mankind's sins,

Or Music:
Elvis Presley- pills, fat, Chuck D thinks he was a racist, jumpsuits, died on toilet
John Lennon- married Yoko Ono and thereby broke up Beatles, "bigger than Jesus"
Michael Jackson- plastic surgery, head on fire, has sex with children, elephant man skeleton
Jim Morrison- drugs, leather pants, pulling out his cock in Miami, lizard king, shitty poetry
Mike Watt- no one in the media has any idea who Mike Watt is.
Kurt Cobain- heroin, suicide, flannel, married Courtney Love, mumbling, gen-x spokesman
Keith Richards- heroin, pretty much every drug ever, how come he isn't dead yet, impossible to understand nearly anything he says,
Jimmy Page- Hobbits, alleged deals with satan, something involving groupies and some sort of fish, actually, pretty much anything in 'Hammer of the Gods'
Bono- thinks he's Jesus, massive ego, stupid sunglasses always being worn, too political
Liberace- gay, homosexual, the kind of man who has sex with men,
Frank Sinatra- mafia, Johnny Fontane in the Godfather, maybe nailed Nancy Sinatra, thug who could sing,
Britney Spears- stupid, doesn't wear underwear, married Kevin Federline, shaved head, walking cry for help,
Elton John- see "Liberace", ruined Candle in the Wind when Diana died (although it wasn't that great a song before),
Bob Dylan- mumbles lyrics,can't actually sing, looks like Vincent Price on good days now, terrible Christian music
Brian Wilson- completely insane, stayed in bed for a year, had giant sandbox installed in living room, never actually surfed
Prince- changed name to symbol, music became irritating to listen to and self-indulgent, reclusive, sex-obsessed, did Batman soundtrack
Bruce Springsteen- "Rambo of rock"/Born in the USA, rich man pretending to be poor at this point, dancing with Courtney Cox in that terrible video
Snoop Dogg- smokes weed constantly, everyone seems to have forgotten was tried for murder in the 1990s, hasn't put out a good album since his first one

I might be losing the thread a little at this point. And I also might be slightly wrong, but I feel like my general point about the media being more lazy than politically motivated remains solid. And yes, there is probably someone else besides Cash and Ripken. (Actually, you can do Cash too, but I don't know anyone who doesn't like Cash, so they don't.)